I don’t know how to do it. Over the past few weeks things have been weighing heavy. A family member misunderstood something I said and made it sound like I was being unfair, then I find out other family members are feuding, There is something wrong with every car I have, the lawn mower is broken and the weeds are taking over. It just seems like every direction I turn things are harder than they need to be. Projects are pulling my free time to pieces. Oh my, crap there is no time to be healthy or workout. The house is falling apart… It all weighs heavy on the spirit, I actually feel shorter.

We’re having a baby (no, that’s a GREAT thing) and Vicki and I have been closer than ever, but the world seems to be falling apart around us. I’ve started to listen/read the bible more and pray as often as I think about it (though it hasn’t been very structured). What else do I need to read? Do I need to start giving more time or money? I’d like to reboot, start over and do things right but then reality sets in and I feel trapped by having to live in the skin I’m in. I’ve found myself looking for ways to escape. I’m playing more Playstation and other more dangerous drugs.

Really, there’s nothing I’d rather have than a great relationship with God and to live correctly in what he has for me. I know that would give me a peace that would carry me through anything. But these days when someone asks, “Hey, how’s it going?” my face drops and I just can’t lie.

I think the key this time is that I’ve told my wife, that things are not going well (not voluntarily, it came out in a bad way, but we talked it out and she knows now). Typically I would hold on to that and plow through like a man. This time I gave it up and was honest, like a Man!

This morning I couldn’t stand it any more, I got up and started to write this. I felt like I needed to get  the Audio version of “Walking with God,” John Eldrege. I haven’t listened to music in a long time, I got my iPod and found “podcasts” I like to be learning while I’m stuck in my truck. I think I need what’s in this book. At least I know I need what the title offers, I’ll let you know if it helps.